sex & beauty

I have desired physical beauty. I have feared not being beautiful because not being beautiful meant not being loved, not being cared for, protected, or desired. I felt ugly, used, a flawed jewel, tarnished silver, and impure gold. But in God I am none of these things. In God I am beautiful, new, a perfectly shaped precious stone, reflecting the glory of God, and refined in the fires of affliction.

All beautiful you are, my darling;
there is no flaw in you.

My strivings to be considered beautiful are incredibly sad. Especially in regards to my eating disorder, the Lord wanted to give me Himself, but my thoughts were consumed with an aching desire that I tried to satisfy by changing myself. I thought that I was evil because I desired beauty. I thought I needed to change my desires so God would be pleased with me and then would bless me and make my life more joyful. I thought that in the struggles with my father and men God was punishing me for being vain, or prideful, or selfish, or not good enough. And so I hurt myself more, hoping that someday enough would be reached, the pain would end, and I would no longer carry the burden of living.

The desire is good, the longing is good, the recognition that there is more is good, because it shows me a place the Lord is delighted to satisfy until 'my cup runneth over.' I must see the beauty of the Lord before I can see the beauty in others.

I slept but my heart was awake.
Listen! My lover is knocking:
"Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one."

I thought beauty was worth striving for, an end in itself. I thought beauty would change something that needed changing, that I would have some desire satisfied. But it wouldn't. If I was beautiful, well I would be beautiful, but I would still be human me, and probably so focused on my own beauty, and try to improve it and make sure it was still there, ('mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?') day after day just fearing, waiting for someone to see an imperfection in me. I was reading the other day and there is a bible verse that says "grey hair is a crown of splendor." I see very few people with gray hair anymore, because they dye it, and that's fine if they want to but it showed me that I value so many things that are so worthless!

Wanting to be beautiful is so much more than just desiring a certain physical appearance. I must guard my heart and remember that all I desire is fulfilled in Christ. What if, on my wedding day, I spent so much time looking in the mirror, intoxicated by my own fleshy beauty that I missed the ceremony? That sounds ridiculous but if anyone would do it it would be me! (Or, what is more likely, I would spend my reception puking in the bathroom, instead of dancing with my lover. I felt such fear upon first realization that it would be a real possiblity if Christ did not crucify that in me.) When I get married to a man, when my Bridegroom comes, all I will see will be His face! And that is how it should be! So I will draw near to Him, seek His face so that I am ready! One does not not practice for marriage by dating and flirting with other men up until the wedding night! No, at the moment of betrothal I am set aside, set apart for my beloved and even to so much as a wink at another man would be enough to stir my lover's heart in anger, and none would blame him. So how much more fidelity does my Lord deserve. My Lord, my King, my Prince who shines like the sun, who rides not upon a white horse, but upon the very winds of the Earth! The Creator of Love has chosen to love me!

My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come..."

I am betrothed to the Hero of this story. Fields of living flowers, rather than a cut and dying bouquet. Wooing me not with words of man but with the thundering of the heavens. Shakespeare has nothing on on the Word of God! A glorious sunrise, Mexican mountains, lightening flashing, red hills flaming in the last rays of the setting October sun... a glimpse of my Lord's face, the knowledge that there is yet more, and all that is here is but a foretaste of what is to come. "You may kiss the bride..." though anticipated and celebrated by all, that kiss serves to fuel the desire, anticipation growing until the kiss is completed in the glory of consummation. And that celebration has no audience. Such is the mystery of Christ and His Church. I have received the kiss of the Lord, and now I wait in steadily growing anticipation for the day when we will all rejoice together, for the wedding feast and the reveling, and then, to be made as One, consummated, perfected, by Him, in Him, and for Him.

I belong to my lover,
and his desire is for me.
Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside,
let us spend the night in the villages.

Let us go early to the vineyards
to see if the vines have budded,
if their blossoms have opened,
and if the pomegranates are in bloom—
there I will give you my love.

The mandrakes send out their fragrance,
and at our door is every delicacy,
both new and old,
that I have stored up for you, my lover.

Your mouth is sweetness itself;
you are altogether lovely.
you are my lover, you are my friend...

The Lord is the lover of my heart and soul, and He wants more for me than I have dared to want for myself. My heart desires beauty because the Lord created me beautiful. It is the lies of the devil that blind me to God's image in me. Lies that tell me that beauty can be defined by a color, size, or shape, and that I can find that truth in a mirror. It is a lie that says I must DO something to be beautiful. "Your beauty should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Don't settle for less than the Glory of God. You were made in His Image, don't let fleshy beauty mar the beauty He placed within you, which is of great worth.

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Now I see how sex has become so perverted. Why it is so terrible, fouled, and all-consuming in this society that does not seek the Lord's face. I also see now why we are so fascinated by it. We desire things of God, He created us for Him. He gave us this desire, another holy paradox. And by two becoming one, another life is begun, a love unlike any other formed in us.

Maybe that is also why men desire the physical act of sex more than women. Men seek beauty, and in experiencing that which is beautiful they find momentary pleasure, that leaves them unsatisfied and thirsting for more. I have desired strength, and by building up walls of independence found momentary refuge, that leave me broken and crushed when the walls crash in. But the Lord marches patiently around those walls, seventy times seven to make them fall, and digs through the rubble, calling my name, and though I painfully hobble he takes my hand and leads me on, carying me when the pain is more than I can bear. Pain caused by my own rough-hewn stone, the stones I labored to set in place, justice would have been to leave me crushed. Yet he lifts them off of me, and my body is no burden compared to that which buried me.

God is pursuing me. He will not settle for less than complete intimacy. The Lord desires me far more than I desire Him. He woos me with His kindness, and by gentle strength tames my wild heart. That intimacy cannot be taken by force. (When it is forced all trust is shattered, warmth and love nothing more than memories, and the one from whom love was taken is left forsaken and exposed, to gather the cutting shards and slink away, hiding in fear that the coming of dawn will reveal her shame.) The Lord gives us the choice, He does not force our love, He does not take from us what we do not give, He does not rape us.

i am no longer afraid